-401-24-17,18,19November

I had a thought to stop trying to do so much male/female (gypsy woman) dancing...but rather use all those Gypsy woman elements and be sexual/sensual as the entry point to something more intense or core about the character, whoever/whatever that is developing into for the show...

Rather than demonstrating the genders or abiity to play them, I can incorporate them deeply and use them only as energies and information to elucidate other materials.

we liked this moment of interaction and feeling...could come towards the end where it's simple and all about feelings after having tried lots of different things.

sketch of an idea of workout/ trampoline

Now I think I won't do this workout idea actually.

Other Notes:

For the Journey Walk, I can be a Hawaiian Flower…in that I don’t need to be moving and rushing…Part of my intention here is to see and be seen, so if I’m a beautiful, exotic thing then I can enjoy this.

Nitsan moves a bit in this video with full sensuality and feeling of his own body while enjoying being seen. It was good for me to see, and he was a good, kind, and empathetic influence.

Today, on the 18th in the theater, Ingrid helped me take a major step in the process and development of the material. As she has said much before, I must be brave to feel and be big with my feeling rather than keeping it small and internal. I must express it outward even if I look or seem or feel ridiculous and over-exaggerated if I do.

She had me go through most of my man materials but to exaggerate the emotionality both in how I feel but especially in my body and my facial expression.

This was transformative in general as a way to be as a performer and for this piece, but it was particularly transformative for the beginning sequence where I am squatting in Birdy and then tae off into flight which then leads to the Journey Walk. I had resistance at first to exaggerate as she was telling me to, but I put my ego aside and followed her direction. As I began feeling like a happy child/free bird, I began to run frantically out of joy but also as if I'm a real bird excited and scared in a cage. This was such a revelation, and it remained in the show. By trusting Ingrid, or at least trusting that trying things is always good, I was able to learn a vital lesson.

Ingrid seemed to really like this "Loneliness" material...or at least she was talking a lot afterwards about clients of hers who have a lot of social and psychological issues...she could see the connection to them through this dancing.

She could see the darkness or weirdness when people don't let themselves or are not allowed to let their energies have free range. For example, a client who is middle age and homosexual but has not felt comfortable being so and has trouble socializing. She has coached this person over the years to go out and dare to interact with people and follow their desires, etc.

Her response made me happy because I felt I am able to connect to this darkness or twisting element through this dance and music but in a way that is informative and fun and full of urge rather than feeling scared. For example, I make two claw hands at a certain point, and I realized in doing so that statues of the goat-shaped Satan make this same gesture, and that I was doing this Satan gesture. I did so fully conscious, and it felt good to allow myself to do something taboo and face the fear rather than stay "correct" and "good". It felt healthy to express this out.