introduction

Welcome to my second semester SODA Workbook!

There are three main components of my research this semester: Inputs from the lectures, intensives, etc.; Giving Myself to...; and Organizing/Optimizing the Self.

Browsing my NOTES throughout the semester gives an idea of things I found interesting and important. They also include personal notes to self, associations, and formulations of my art practices, values and ambitions.

GIVING MYSELF TO... is the main research practice I carried out, and you can browse through to different dancings or writings, etc. as each day/session stands on its own. They do not build upon each other. You can browse horizontally to get a sense of the whole, or you can spend time on any given page to go into detail.

I feel like ORGANIZING AND OPTIMIZING THE SELF was carried out as something personal and only parallel to my official school research, though I realize that it's integral to the Giving Myself to... practices. The organizing and optimizing often felt in direct odds with Giving Myself to Dancing, for example, because the dancing this semester felt unfocused, disorganized, and not optimal in the way that a "good rehearsal" would feel where I might leave having captured good material to build from in the next rehearsal. The sharp contrast of optimizing versus allowing myself (what sometimes felt personally to me like) unorganized and not-productive time, allows for the Organizing/Optimizing approach to frame the Giving Myself to Dancing, and vice-versa. This contradictory relationship reveals seemingly opposite values and ideas of labor, productivity, responsibility to myself and to others, etc. Both felt antagonistic to each other, but the interplay of the differences helps me in a larger research endeavor to explore personal borderzones, spaces of potentially volatile activity, contradiction, known and unknown, allowed and not allowed, etc. How can I more confidently inhabit such a porous environment that is always in a state of change? Such a question relates directly to the practice of dancing, as dancing opens up one's self to the environment around them and the paradoxes and multi-rhythms possible and existing therein.

The fact that I have included more material than is possible to fully view within an hour (for example, there is at least over 6 hours of video material in this workbook) speaks to issues I find problematic in my art practice of wanting to be able to take inventory of as much as possible ("casting a wide net") but then often failing to be able to synthesize the quantitative and qualitative data into a more manageable frame, or theoretical or artistic construction or product. Yes, I have managed to make digestible works that were "successful" according to certain standards of mine (and to an audience when I received generally positive feedback), but my habit to not make decisions earlier on in any given process has also often not allowed for many projects to reach an adequate level of maturity (again, according to my own perceived standards as well as from feedback from audiences, readers, etc.).

For this workbook then, I invested in making a clear archive that I could use as a reference and interface tool. Rather than trying to make a finished product that has a clear conclusion or limit, I wanted to form something that can still be in process yet still have a well-rounded structure to stand on its own as it is in whatever phase of evolution it is. For example, I can always continue adding personal reflections to any page or keep adding dance or writing entries, yet the workbook is already enough without more additions. My approach to this workbook then is an approach I'm trying to adopt for myself as I dance, go into a creative process, and just live in general. I want to feel that what I have to offer is already "enough" in any given situation, yet that I am still open for feedback, revisions, amplifications, edits, etc. I wrote about this desire for a new sense of responsibility (responsibility as responsivity) in my 201 Essay which you can jump to here...

More about Giving Myself to...

Working: though the main focus and vast majority of entires are for writing and dancing, I included working under this umbrella practice as it is body-based and deals with similar issues yet in a more "real-world"/non-studio context. Working is when I am obligated to expend energy, time and focus on a task because of a direct exchange of money or for a course requirement. Like dancing and writing, the "working" I included is a body-based activity yet it is more particular in that it helps me reflect on ideas of commitment to a task, the labor of focusing and producing, and conditions which both encourage and discourage my creative, expressive potential. For example, working can be encouraging in the sense that mundane and repetitive tasks can be meditative, and it can be calming because I know I will get paid! (an issue that has been giving me lots of stress the last year). It can also be discouraging in that factory work, for example, can be exhausting and numbing to my creative spirit.

Writing: I spent the first half of the semester trying to write at least 10 minutes per day which I referred to as Giving Myself to Writing. This practice is quite open for what it allows, but it is not automatic/associative writing. I am actually trying to form a piece that is understandable and digestible to me as well as another reader. I tried to stay away from too personal or descriptive "journal" or "diary" writing, but this appears from time to time. I would do my best to give all my focus and energy to the act of writing during the 10 or more minutes of writing. Sometimes it was very difficult as i might have been tired or sleepy. Other times I had a lot to say, and the writing was a perfect medium to channel what I needed to express out of myself and into words.

Dancing: Towards the second half of the semester I began Giving Myself to Dancing, which loosely meant trying to dance for at least an hour without agenda or purpose except for just being in a mode of dancing. I didn't always spend a full hour, and sometimes Giving Myself to Dancing might have been just a moment of a few minutes where I needed to move around the studio or get a dance out. I did my best to record excerpts whenever I was GMTD, and these are videos that you can view here. I usually recorded myself when I felt I was solidly "in the dancing" as opposed to just pacing around or feeling uninspired, etc. (though these moments show up as well). I allowed almost anything I did to be considered Giving Myself to Dancing, so I realize that tending to not video record mundane moments shows a bias and a not-as-true construction of my activities. Mostly what is recorded and on view in this workbook was when I was more warmed up or inspired for dancing. I wanted to be able to watch something that would give me inspiration later...whereas watching myself struggling to get inspired and doing half-hearted moves might make me doubt my resolve to go in the studio and dance in the future. In my process I was often feeling insecure about the merits of this practice (since I didn't feel a "clear" research question in my approach in the studio), which is why I might have tended to trying to video capture "good" dancing moments.